Policies for Sane Parents

Governments have policies for running countries so why shouldn’t parents have them for running families. Parents need a series of policies which are known and understood by both children and parents.

We aim to provide some guidance on what these should be in the following TEN GUIDELINES FOR BRINGING UP CHILDREN IN THE 21st CENTURY.

These are intended to ensure happy, responsible children and happy, sane parents.

1 Set Boundaries

It’s up to parents to set boundaries from a very early age. Both parents need to agree the boundaries as children, especially teenagers, will take advantage of any hesitation! Children need a framework to provide:

• structure
• routine
• predictability
• security

2 Negotiate

Negotiation can be defined as ‘communicating to reach an agreement when the goals of two or more parties seem to be in opposition’. Sometimes parents and children want different outcomes. Negotiating to achieve a win/win situation for both of you is an ideal way to involve your children. It helps them become responsible and rational adults.

Negotiating is not the same as begging, pleading or manipulating, it’s about agreeing to the outcome even if it isn’t exactly what you both want.

3 Discuss calmly and rationally

When we’re angry or upset it’s easy to say things we regret. If your child is angry make sure they’re safe and leave them alone. If you are angry, recognise this and walk away or say we’ll talk later. Make it a rule that you always discuss in a calm and rational way.

4 Reward

As parents we’re the ones who are in a strong negotiating position. Children want many things so use what they want as privileges they earn. It’s easy to give in to demands but children need to know they have to work hard at school, help around the house and behave in a certain way to get the new mobile phone they want!

5 Exchange

It’s important that children know they need to earn rewards. Learning to earn is one of life’s most important lessons – the principle of exchange. If your children have had to earn something they’ll probably appreciate it much more.

6 Reward Good Behaviour

Ignore bad behaviour as much as possible and reward good behaviour. Your children are more likely to look for ways to be helpful.
You could design a reward chart to motivate them to achieve goals.

7 Deprive, Don’t Punish

Avoid punishing a child out of the blue. Children will just see this as an arbitrary act based on a whim. It’s far better to deprive your child of a privilege you’ve previously agreed based on good behaviour.

8 Provide Options

Offer options not ultimatums. An ultimatum is a THREAT ... ‘If you don’t do this, I will do that’. Options give different ways to persuade children to do what you want them to do.

9 Give Responsibility

From an early age children like to feel you trust them. If you ask them to look after something or remind you of something, they will do it enthusiastically. Giving your children responsibility prepares them to make responsible choices later on.

10 And don’t:

• shout, scream, beg, nag and plead
• respond to nag or whinge power
• bribe for good behaviour
• try to buy love or forgiveness with expensive gifts

And an extra one for you!

Remember what your children appreciate most from you is love, attention and time.

You may be doing some or most of these already but hopefully these guidelines will give you a structure and checklist. In our Memebers Area we give a lot more detail and examples for implementing these policies and provide tools to help you monitor and advance your progress.

Find more tried and tested strtaegies for happy contented kinds in our Bringing up Children programme. Become a member today!