Time for some Kidology

Children learn very quickly what they can and cannot control. As parents and carers we need to ensure our children are not controlling us.

From time to time we may need to introduce the little known device of KIDOLOGY. This may become be your favoured companion as you ride the ride of your life, parenthood.

Our children are inclined to believe that we control everything and that we can change anything in their world.

However we can use Kidology to blame the ‘rules’ of others to get our children to:

1). Conform to socially acceptable behaviour

2). Take the next step towards independence, Or sometimes

3). Just realise that ‘That’s just the way it is!

This tried and tested method can be summarised in three words. Blame someone else!

Often as parents/carers we try to give a logical explanation to young children who are just too immature to understand the reasons they are given. Emotional development takes time, it can’t be rushed. If children are expected to understand more than they are ready for the result will undoubtedly be confusion for the child leading to frustration for the grown-ups!!

Karen's story

Recently I spoke with a mum who was having difficulty encouraging her three and a half year old to toilet train. “I don’t understand it, we were doing really well”, she said.

“During the last break from his previous Nursery he was using the toilet and telling me when he wanted to go, it was great. I really thought I’d cracked it”. Upon returning to Nursery school everything in the toilet training department changed. Refusing, not only to use the toilet but to allow anyone else to change his nappy. (Yes a backward step had been taken with the return to nappies). “It was a disaster”, sighed Karen. “How are we ever going to move on? He just won’t have anyone but me”.

Immediate action was needed, for not only was time for starting school drawing closer but the little boy was missing out on a lot of fun as he clung to his mother!

Mum needed to remove the responsibility and control from herself, thus removing power from her son to dictate the terms. This is the advice I gave. “Its simple, just tell him you can’t buy nappies, pull ups or anything of that ilk because he’s too big. All these products are needed for the babies. Don’t waver, stand firm. Take control. You are not allowed to buy them anymore”.

Karen was sceptical but decided she had nothing to lose. However, it was important that Karen was willing to ride this through. No matter how difficult it was, no matter how many tantrums her son heaped on her to reverse the decision it was her job, as the grown up to stand firm. Bearing in mind it's not mums fault, it the ‘rules’!

The plan hatched, the decision made, now to enforcement. True to form said little boy was really not happy and threw an almighty tantrum. This confirmed his understanding, he wasn’t calling the shots on this one. Time to move on little man. He might not know it yet but he won’t look back once he takes the tentative steps ahead of him. I reassured an anxious mum.

Well this little man was not allowing his mother the privilege of taking control (or so he thought). That night he refused to put on his pull up before going to bed and he refused to have a bed mat under his sheet... he went to bed as a big boy and woke with a dry bed and never wore a nappy again. Day or Night!

In this case Kidology gave the mum ‘the crutch’, the something to support her as a means of moving her child to independence. Try it,

Here are some examples:

“They’re not selling that today”
“Don’t climb on the wall the lady will be cross”
“You can’t get out of bed before it’s light, it’s the rules”

The ways in which you can employ Kidology are endless and wonderfully useful.

Parents are not always ready to recognise their child needs to move on in life. Letting go of their dependence and standing firm are difficult lessons for most adults. The implementation of Kidology removes blame, makes it harder to go back on a decision, and gives parents something of a crutch to support them during the tough times.

For 101 other ideas for bringing up tantrum free children why not try our Bringing up Children programme.