Secrets to keeping your Love Bank full

We all have a Love Bank. And we have an account at this Bank which people can put deposits into or make withdrawals from.

Not convinced? Well think about the last time your partner made selfish demands, was disrespectful, had an angry outburst, did something annoying or dishonest. Did you feel less love within you or more?

Or remember how your love grew when your partner complimented,supported or did something unexpected and fun.It’s human nature to make and receive deposits and more importantly keep score.

When we are children most of our deposits come from our parents and other members of our family. As we get older we look for these deposits from others. The deposits made into each bank account are based on our partner doing something that fulfils our physical or emotional needs.

This is not to say that we should rely on the other person to make us happy – quite the contrary. This is about recognising that we all have a well where we hold our fulfilment, and we can use this knowledge to build a stronger, longer-lasting relationship.

We trade in different currencies. Women and men have different needs. There is nothing new in this and yet we continue to expect our Partners’ to respond in the way we do. Rather than accepting each others’ natures, we expect our partner to be more like us.

This approach will only lead to conflict. When it comes to making deposits,we need to deliver them in the form that is of value to our partner. In his book His Needs, Her Needs Willard Harley proposed that there are some generic, predictable needs for men (sexual fulfilment,recreational companionship, an attractive partner, domestic support, admiration) and women (Affection, Conversation, Honesty & Openness, Financial Support, Family Commitment).

The more you can make deposits of your love in these currencies the more love you will produce in the other person. But remember, men and women on average pick a particular set of five emotional needs, any given man or woman can and do pick various combinations of the ten.

Our currencies have different values. Deposits are very definitely made by doing and saying things, not by the potential of being ready to do something when needed. They are made by actions that meet our needs. Each action or statement deposits a numerical value in our partner’s love bank.

The value of each action is what our partner perceives. So an affectionate hug from your man may be worth one unit to you or two units to someone else. Whilst an action which shows family commitment may be worth two or even three units to you and only one to someone else.

Similarly a man will place different values on each of the five needs that they usually favour. The challenge is that there is no published tariff of what value each person puts on each action that fulfils a need. This you need to work out from getting to know your partner and what fills their love bank.

Check your Account

So check which currencies are predominantly of value to you, according to whether you are a Woman or a Man. Are they valuable to you?

Like so many things, these ideas are a lot easier to recognise and agree with than to put into practice. We have developed some tools, guidance and reminders to help you build a solid balance in your secret love bank.

PS Why is it a secret? Because you don’t know how your balance stands, only your partner does. That is part of the problem. If they ever need to tell you how low it is, then things are already seriously wrong.

Learn the secrets of making lavish deposits into your love bank and ensure lasting love. Sign up to our love course or become a member.